Your Child’s Absent Father is NOT a “Donor”

Dear Single Mothers,

I wish that circumstances were different for you. I wish that you were more supported, more rested, and respected. My biggest wish for you is that you stop being blamed for the actions of the men, who refuse to stop being little boys. I wish that your children were treated better by the men who helped create them. As a Single Mother By Choice, out of respect for my child and all of the other Donor Conceived People (DCP), please stop calling your child’s absent father a “sperm donor”.

You didn’t buy his sperm with your life savings or take out loans, to have the child you yearned for. We did. You didn’t spend hours researching banks looking up donors, finding the perfect match, only to discover they are sold out or sibling only. But, we did. You didn’t endure the genetic screening, the testing, and sometimes the medication for IUI or IVF, but we did. You didn’t time your cycles to ensure conception to make this cycle worth it. But many of us did. You didn’t receive counseling on raising a DCP or donor selection like we did.

You had a relationship, of some sort, with your child’s father, and conceived your child. From the moment you conceived your child, his presence was expected, because he is the father. For some of you, there was divorce and family court. For others there was abuse and toxicity that you had to flee and take your children with you. As a SMBC who is raising a DCP, calling an absent father a sperm donor is not only disrespectful to my donor conceived child, but it minimizes the reality of many recipient parents and DCP. Call that man exactly what he is, an absent parent. DCP are now raised knowing early on that they have donors and not fathers. But if you are calling your child’s father a “sperm donor” and your child encounters mine or another DCP, and is asked if they know their “diblings” (donor half-siblings) or what bank you used. You just took the identities and realities of thousands of people, and created a false identity for your child, that minimizes the existence of DCP.

Donors do not pay child support or try to get out of paying child support.

Donors do not come in and out of their offsprings lives.

Donors do not make parenting decisions.

Donors do not raise their offspring in any way.

Donors do not co-parent.

Donors are not on the birth certificate.

Donors do not have any legal responsibility.

Donors do not have joint custody.

Donors do not have court ordered visitation.

Donors are men who donate their sperm, for the sole purpose of procreation, to build families.

Donors are not absent fathers in the way that your child’s father is.

Donors are known to their offspring at a young age, although contact may not be initiated until after the age of 18.

While I understand your frustrations and you may feel unseen. I see you. My mother was you and I was your child. I know what absent and inconsistent fathers do to families. But since I decided to use a donor to build my family, I understand that my child’s experience is nothing like mine. I am raising a well adjusted, and loved DCP, who will have a strong identity. She and all the other DCP of the word deserve for their identities to be respected and honored. Leave the term “sperm donor” or “donor” to us, it is what created our families that we waited so long for. It is who gave us our children and who they share their DNA with. Let’s not erase the true meaning of a sperm donor, to erase the pain of what an absent father really is.

Sincerely,

A Single Mother By Choice of a Donor Conceived Person.