The Power of One: Choosing Single Motherhood on Purpose

After diving in the dating pool, swimming amongst the toxic waste, and seeing all the fish…you’re kind of bound to become a “baby momma”. Instead of letting a man’s actions decide the worlds perception of me, I took it a step further, and defined my motherhood myself.

My name is Nancy and this is “Muthahood” MY Way. Real, Raw, and the honest truth about navigating the world as a Single Mother By Choice (SMBC).

I know you’re probably wondering “wtf is she talking about?!”, “you did what?!”, “hold up you can do that?!”. Let’s start with the basics. A Single Mom By Choice or SMBC is a woman who achieves motherhood via donor conception, surrogacy, or adoption. No matter the route used to become a mother, we are the women who chose motherhood for ourselves. We didn’t wait to be partnered, we had a clear picture of what we wanted in life, and we took the risk to fulfill our dreams.

In my case I became a SMBC via donor conception, using donor sperm. From the time I was a teenager I knew that I wanted to do motherhood on my terms. All it took was for me to be home from school, having a sick day, and watching Maury. Uncle Maury you know I love you! I remember sitting on the couch, under my blanket, and being appalled at how many men came on national TV to humiliate, degrade, and disown the families that they created. I heard one man call his child’s mother a “bitch” one too many times, so I grabbed my laptop and searched “can you have a baby on your own without a man?” on google. That was the day I had a clear image of my future, I saw that it was 100% doable, and I was introduced into the SMBC world.

While doing a deep dive on the SMBC lifestyle, I noticed that I didn’t fit the demographic being promoted. All the women I saw were 40+, had established careers, were professionals of some sort, and were white. I knew that if I wanted to enter this space, I had to create my own space within it. With my upbringing and growing up as the only “Afro-Latina” mixed child in a predominately black community, I knew that what I was about to do was going to be as controversial as me wearing my natural curls before everyone else wen’t natural. I was often shunned and told that “I didn’t do things that black people did”. I speak Spanish fluently and I am very connected to my Puerto Rican culture. My community always made me feel like an outsider and honestly, I was fine with that. Growing up, I was one of the first black girls to enter the very white space of all-star cheerleading. Sometimes I was the only on my team and in my girl scout troops as well. But my own Mother, who was a single mother by circumstance, always made sure that I knew that I could navigate any space I wanted to. She embraced my father’s culture although he was not the one in the home raising me. This part of my upbringing gave me the confidence I needed to become a SMBC in a community of people who are crucified unjustly for the most random things.

While I knew at 17 I wanted to become an SMBC, I decided to take time to live my life. I traveled the world, I went to school, I started a career, and I dated. My desire to create a family never went away. I actually have children that I raised in my teens, which is why I wanted to choose motherhood for myself and on my own terms. Let me tell you, my babies were proud of me and love their sister beyond belief! When I was in my 20’s I began my career as a Paralegal at a small family law firm. This firm was sketchy af, but it opened my eyes to what actually goes on in family court. Sadly, my core memories of my own father are of him being abusive in family court. All because he was forced to raise a child that wasn’t his, he was too cowardly to challenge that child’s mother, and so he projected those feelings upon my mother and I. Whether he wants to admit it or not, I remember how he used to act and the words he spoke about me and my mother. It felt a lot like an episode on Maury only it wasn’t televised. Those actions and memories never left me. No 3-year-old child should ever feel like they are hated and are the target. Being made the black sheep at birth by your own paternal grandmother? Yeah no. It wasn’t happening to my children. I was determined to break that cycle.

So, I’m working in this law firm and I am seeing another side of the family court realm. I am seeing the abuse tactics these men are using against their children and former partners. Hell, my former supervisor took his own ex-wife in for custody (to avoid child support) over 20 times. I watched him appeal every decision and lose 20 times, he would always speak negatively of her to me, and he obviously treated me with the same disdain he had for her. Ironically, he did end up getting full custody of his son after he terrorized his ex-wife for years. But he ended up dying a year into having “full custody” and now the state has gone after his estate for the $25k+ he owed in back child support. Then there were the intakes I had to do and some of those were heart breaking. I remember a mother coming to us and sharing that she had 3 children, one with a disability that left him wheelchair bound. Do you know that she was filing for sole custody because the father refused to take the disabled child anywhere because he didn’t want to bring or be seen with his wheelchair?! Yes, as egregious as that sounds, it happened. My jaw dropped. Sometimes, I sat in on custody mediations, I didn’t want my child being split between households. Co-parenting? Not an option, I saw how powerless the women who carried and birthed these children were in family court because of the men that fathered their children were on power trips.

After I left that firm and went into Big Law, I began to take this path more seriously. I secured positions with paid maternity leave, child care, and excellent fertility benefits. But I was still dating, I kept an open mind because if marriage was for me, well my future husband would come. As I was dating I realized that I wanted to have my own family more than I wanted to have a man. I mean I still had my fun and lived my life as a hot girl. So what I did was weed out those who were not fit. I told them how I wanted motherhood to look for me and what my family, that I was creating was going to look like. I have always been extremely sure of myself, which I know people find intimidating. But this is my life and I will only live it in a way that makes me feel complete.

My journey to conception began in 2022. I made a decision to go to my local fertility clinic to get started. I met with an amazing Reproductive Endocrinologist or “RE”. She was very supportive of me and was certain that I would get pregnant in no time. I was the youngest patient at the time going the SMBC route. My team at the clinic connected me with a local SMBC group (which I am still the baby of) and other resources. I was elated. I was one step closer and then that is when my father calls me and tells me that my grandfather had dementia and needed my assistance. Because my Welo means the world to me and he is my only living grandparent, I of course stood up to the plate. I will say that my father and some of his relatives were very against me having children for two reasons – they felt that I needed to take care of my parents (my father is an addict and my mother has multiple sclerosis, and “I had no business having a baby”. My name is Nancy and I will do whatever it is that I want to do. During this time, while caring for Welo I did all of my testing. HSG, bloodwork, ultrasound, and genetic screening. Everything came back good and I was told that I was extremely fertile, so I could go ahead do my “preconception counseling” and select a donor. I think every woman should have “preconception counseling” just because it will help you really understand what you may face as a parent, fertility medications and their risks, and the needs of Donor Conceived Persons (DCP). Once that was done I began my donor search. I quickly found that there are hardly any black donors and oddly Polynesian donors too. In a donor I wanted someone tall (6ft+), healthy, athletic, good at math. Hair, eye and skin color didn’t matter to me. I knew that with the strength of my father’s genetics, I’d birth another tiny version of him (I did).

In the midst of caring for my grandfather, working, and dealing with my toxic family, I was creating my own. One night I was at my Dad’s. I was sitting on the couch with him and my Welo was directly across from me. He looked over at me with all the love in the world, and he started laughing. I asked him what he was laughing at, he said the baby girl on my shoulder. I was floored. I wasn’t pregnant and I was still searching for a donor. He made another mention about me having a girl just before I found out that I was pregnant. Now, in terms of my donor search, I did have a few hiccups. My top choice died, so he was sibling only. My second choice, was in-stock but the vial was not up to my clinics standards. So I went a different route and began looking at known donors. I am so glad that I did. While browsing through TikTok I came across a DCP name Laura High. She gave all the tea on the infertility industry and life as a DCP. I listened to a few other DCP’s stories and spoke with a few. They all highly suggested a known donor. For DCP, they highly recommend using a known donor for many reasons that people do not consider before buying sperm. DCP prefer known donors because of the constantly updated medical information, potentially smaller sibling pods, and also being able to have some level of contact for family histories. As a mother I knew that my child would need to be able to have contact prior to 18 for medical records, family history, and for her to know her other genetic parent. Ethics are super important to me because my child is a person with rights and feelings. I wanted a donor who shared that same sentiment and that is exactly what I found.

My daughter was conceived via Intracervical Insemeination or “ICI” and on the first attempt. My pregnancy was extremely eventful as I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum or “HG”. I had multiple hospitalizations, a PICC line, a zofran pump until I delivered my baby at 40w3d. I vomited nearly every single day of my pregnancy and suffered with severe electrolyte imbalances. This means that I was on bedrest my entire pregnancy. I worked from home for the duration of my pregnancy. With that came a lot of flack from my supervisor and co-workers. But ultimately, I couldn’t handle watching TV, riding in the car, bright lights or heat. All of the above triggered my HG and the zofran made me heat sensitive. Her birth was extremely eventful, I was in labor for about 5 days, went into labor in the waiting room of my induction. My daughter arrived via emergency c-section, weighing in at 9lbs and 19.44 inches long.

Life as an SMBC has been beautiful. Motherhood MY way, has been peaceful. I created the nurturing and healthy environment that I wanted to raise my family in. Everyday I wake up happy, snuggled by the sweetest little tornado, who just dumped out a bucket of blocks. I cannot be any happier as I am living life the way that I envisioned.

Welcome to Motherhood MY Way.