Those are the exact words I spoke to my best friend when I told her I was ready to become a Single Mom by Choice or SMBC. I was not interested in arguing with any man about a child he didn’t carry or birth. My career as a paralegal exposed me to the toxicity of family court and I didn’t want to end up there. I saw the manipulation tactics, the judges incompetence, and that sharing my child was not something that I wanted. My own experience with co-parenting was never peaceful but was always a power play. So I said “f*ck that and did it on my own.
I would say that the strategic planning to have my child took about a year. When you are embarking on solo motherhood, you have to have all of your ducks in a row. This was when I took time to look at my finances, I put myself on the waiting lists at several daycare centers that I wanted priority at (in the DC area this is a must), and I made a lateral move for my career that would give me better benefits and the flexibility I desired.
As a working girl, I knew that I would be a working mom, so I priced out childcare, figured out my budget. I knew I wanted to exclusively breastfeed (still going strong 16 months later!), so I looked at services to freeze dry breastmilk to make it easier for a caregiver to prepare a bottle. I also took time to declutter my life, I got rid of things that I didn’t need anymore and let go of people who were no longer going to benefit me or my child. I actually left my family of origin in the process and damn was that freeing.
I knew that I was ready when my desire to hold my child was stronger than trying to be someones wife. I had dreams about my daughter before she was even my daughter. Being a spiritualist, I am a firm believer in pre-birth communication. When she was making her presence known, I knew that it was time. Everyone knows when they are ready to do something. That gut feeling may not have perfectly aligned with my life at that exact moment, but it ultimately brought everything together. I was still living my life, doing what I wanted, and made a life changing career move. But at the end of the day, if that timing wasn’t right, I wouldn’t have conceived on my first attempt.
This path of motherhood is an individual experience. Everything is on your timeline and you have complete control over your story. If you want to take a break from trying, you can. If you want to use a different donor, you can. No one is telling you what to do or how to do it. There is also no added pressure from a partner about being on a specific timeline or being stressed that you want this more than them. The experience is 100% yours.
If you are considering the SMBC lifestyle ask yourself the following questions:
Do I have a stable career?
Do I know what my child care arrangement will look like?
Do I have an emergency savings or maternity leave fund?
What fertility and family benefits does my employer have?
Is there room for a child/children in my current space?
Who will be my village members?
Am I okay with this process potentially taking more than 6 months?
Am I healthy enough to carry a pregnancy and parent?
Do I have resources to protect my space and energy?
Have I healed from my own childhood?
Is there anything I want to do or accomplish before starting my family?
Am I prepared for the negative comments?
Do I need a bigger vehicle?
What does motherhood look like for me?
If you have solid answers to those questions and you feel ready. Go for it. This is your life that you will soon be sharing with the child that was meant specifically for you.
Define motherhood for yourself.