When I embarked on becoming a SMBC I knew that there would be questions. I knew that my family, friends, strangers, teachers, medical professionals, and eventually my own child, would have questions. The number one question I get is “who is her father?”. When asked this I always reply “she is donor conceived, as in I used donor sperm to conceive her”. More than often I am met with excitement and curiosity than I am with criticism. Usually, the only criticism I receive is from men who see my independence as a threat and from “elders” who refuse to understand that people live differently than them. I have received a number of responses to my choice. I don’t want to mislead anyone and tell them that everything was positive, it wasn’t. I don’t harp on the negative experiences. But I do want to share what I experienced and how I dealt with those response.
My childhood best friend and I grew up together and even have birthdays just 24 hours apart. I wanted this friend involved in my child’s life as a godparent. My friend was very happy for me and was excited to become a godfather. Once I was feeling well enough to do FaceTime (looking at screens made me so nauseated), I called him, and told her that I was having a baby girl. She was in disbelief until I showed her my bump and then she got on me for not telling her sooner. That was expected and I was planning on telling her sooner, but I couldn’t stay out the damn hospital. I tell her my due date and that I wanted her to pick a cute “grandma” name as she was like a second mother to me. I fully intended to still be friends with her son and honor her relationship to my family. He was going to host my baby shower and of course he wanted to enlist her help with the set up and using her house. After her initial shock she asks me who the father is and I tell her that my child is donor conceived. “Oh so you got inseminated.”, yes I did. I’m used to her drill sergeant like questioning, she raised a house full of boys. She then asks me some questions about him and I say “he’s tall, into nature, and enjoys the outdoors”. Then, she asks me if I had a black donor because “I don’t like mixed babies, you’re killing the black race”…So ask her “did you forget that I’m mixed race? My Dad isn’t black?”. I’m sitting here bewildered because she has known me since I was like 8 years old and knows my family well. Then she comes with so is he black or not, I tell her no. But then I take a moment to educate her on the shortage of Black donors. She backtracks and says “yeah sperm banks are a white thing”. She asks me why I didn’t use her son as my donor. For one, he does not want donor children and wants to go the traditional route. But honestly, I don’t think he wants kids at all. He said that to her once when she demanded some grandkids and he asked her “do you have grandkids money?!”. My friend is very smart and responsible, so I am proud of him for not creating broken homes just so his mom can have some grandkids. If you have the gift of discernment, you know that his mom had one thing on her mind from the time we both were children, she wanted me to be her daughter in law. While my love for my friend is platonic, we have never wanted to do anything other than be friends. Even though I ended the friendship after this conversation, he is a great person and I hope his life is filled with success. At this point, I’m still processing what came out of her mouth because, if she hates mixed race children so much, why did she feel that she was entitled to me, as a potential partner for her son? At this point I redirect the conversation to her son, so we can start planning the baby shower.
The baby shower was the straw that broke the camels back. I had already planned my theme and menu for my shower. It was going to be a Rugrats themed baby brunch. My registry was done, and all I needed to do was get everything in motion. She tells us we can use the house, but I was not allowed to eat because she didn’t want me being sick at her house. I didn’t even feel rage at this moment, I felt hurt. I was being punished for something I had no control over and because she couldn’t control me. She tells me that all the decorations need to be sent to her house, so she could approve them. I could only get my cake done by her person and it had to be marble. When I stopped her and said we cannot do chocolate, because my grandmother is allergic, that’s when she starts insulting my family. She mocked my mother’s illness, told me that I knew better than to be having kids because I could pass my mom’s illness on to the baby. Multiple Sclerosis is autoimmune, you can’t pass it down. Like she is finding every way to put me down because what she planned is never going to happen. She began implying that we couldn’t cook and she didn’t trust them in her kitchen. The icing on the cake was when she told her son, he needed his friends there…like what?! I ended the conversation and told my friend I would call him. I needed a moment to process all that I heard. At first, I was like…I just need to have this baby shower so we planned things, I made the games, and ordered the prizes. But her words didn’t leave me, never in my life did I feel the need to protect myself more than anything. His mom calls me because I haven’t sent anything to her house for the shower. So I told her that I found a venue and that we wouldn’t need to have it at her house anymore. My friend allowing his mother to act this way towards me, was bothering me. Any other time, he would have told her to stop. But he didn’t. What changed? Really all I wanted to know was, why did my friend allow his mother to speak to me like that. He never stepped in or stepped up for me, and he was supposed to be my child’s godfather?! Yeah, no. I politely told him that our friendship was over and to go ahead and block me on everything. I had my baby shower at an another location and carried on with my life\
Earlier in my pregnancy, I attended a family function, just to get out of the house. I didn’t want to wallow in my misery and decided to attend a birthday party for my uncle. It was there where one of my aunts tried it. When she saw that I was pregnant, she asked who the father was, you already know what I told her. But she demanded to know the real reason why the father wasn’t going to be involved. So I simply left it at “donors are not social fathers”. My aunt couldn’t stand not having information that she didn’t need nor was entitled to, and that is my issue with my family on my mom’s side, they think they need to be up in everyone’s business. A few hours later she asks me if I have pictures of him and if she could see them. I told her “I do have pictures but those belong to my daughter. I will not be violating the donors rights to privacy”. Then that’s when she hit me with “That lil white boy is just embarrassed to be with you because you’re black and ugly”. Now, what she needed to be embarrassed about was the fact that her own grandson and great-grandson were sitting 20 feet away from her and not once did she acknowledge them. She needs to be embarrassed that the father of this grandson and at least 7 of her 10+ grandchildren created broken homes and owes over $200k in backed child support. If my children were embarrassing me like that and I too was embarrassing my bloodline, I’d probably project upon people. But I held my boundary and child’s biological father’s identity is only known to my child.
An unexpected criticism came from a cousin of mine. She was “disappointed” in me because I had examples of two parent households in our family and that I was straying from the norm. This is false, I was raised in a mom by circumstance, home. Not everyone in the family was raised in a two parent home. When I say this it is with respect, out of the majority of my cousins. I am the most mentally healthy and I came from a single parent home. I’m well adjusted and have been very successful in life. There is not a single marriage in my family that I have ever seen and said “I want that!”. No. I had one uncle who didn’t even cut his own food up, he demanded my aunt did it. Then I have the cousins who have been married more than twice and still not getting it right. Let’s not act like marital abuse and adultery were not things within the family.
Sometimes there are men, who are not secure within their own character and manhood. So they get sassy and make remarks about me choosing this path. I have never been in the business of arguing with men, when they should be busy building houses or going off to war. I did encounter one guy that tried to shame me for “having a baby who does not have a father and women like me are why men need to be in the home”. First of all, if that is your mindset, go be mad at your daddy who left you. Go live in your truth and love the men you sleep with on the down low out loud. Stop taking out your misplaced anger that you have with your father out on women. They tell us to choose better, so in my case I chose to forgo the man, and now they’re mad because I’m one woman who cannot be controlled. While there are many loving and devoted fathers in the world, the majority of men see women and children as property. My own father is like this, I’m a trophy to him because I am his legacy and I look exactly like him. My father doesn’t even refer to me by my name, but as “my sperm”. While I think he was saying that out of love, it’s a literal reminder that I was just cum that was kept as a pet. He does not see me as a person, he has never respected me as a person, and he for damn sure does not respect me as a mother and woman. And this is why he misses out on his grandchildren. Experiencing a father like that and seeing the pattern in men who share the same mindset, I didn’t want that. Even when I was dating I had an ex, who was very threatened that I had hobbies, and male friends who were my friend. When he parted his lips to say “I don’t get how you actually have male friends and that just want to be your friend and not fuck you”…I realized that he needed to leave my life expeditiously and that as a society, we need to raise boys better. Going back to the man who assumed that my child does not know her biological father, that is 100% false. I have a known donor, whom she sees in regular intervals, and she also knows her paternal grandparents. I didn’t go into this to erase her father, I wanted to be a mother, so I became one. However, I do honor the fact that she is 50% me, 50% him, but 100% herself. Her connection to her biological family is always celebrated and honored, which is why I chose a known donor. I looked at what life would be like and feel like for her down the line. I didn’t want for her to not see parts of herself reflected and to grow up with an identity crisis. From my own experience, I knew that she would eventually need this validation so I provided that. Not only do I provide my child with love, food, shelter, clothing, and life experiences; I also provide her with her genetic family and facilitate those bonds.
Having a child 100% on my own was not about erasing a man. It was about fulfilling something that I desired for myself, without the drama involved of parenting with another person, who does not love my child the way that I do.
I never shy away from the topics of fathers as a parent of a DCP. The words “Dad” and “Daddy” are not banned from my home, I do not avoid the topic, or treat the subject of fathers as if it’s taboo. That’s actually not what I was taught in my pre-conception counseling with a social worker, who supports recipient families and DCP. I was told to have the conversation with my child early and often; and we do. For a DCP of solo moms it is important for them to see other family structures and acknowledge them. My daughter has friends and siblings with two moms, single moms by choice and circumstance, and friends being raised by other relatives. Representation matters, before you expect society or an entertainment source to show representation, you have to initiate the exposure. That means that you have to buy the dolls, model the family, and seek sources that give your child an image that reflects theirs. It all starts at home.
At this time my child does not attend daycare or a formal “school” setting. So I have not had to explain to teachers, caregivers, or other parents about our family. Honestly, I don’t really care to explain. I let people think whatever they want. I am secure in my choice and know the truth. But if the time does come I will say “My child is donor conceived and I am a SMBC”. My child is not a social experiment nor a science fair project; and I am not ashamed of my life. It’s no ones business other than ours. Her donor-dad and I agree, that its her story to tell not ours. While I am not trying to “stir contention amongst the sisters” I strongly feel that when I say that I am a single mom the BY CHOICE needs to be super loud. This is my identity as a mother, this is my truth, and there is a difference with the SMBC lifestyle vs. a single mom by circumstance lifestyle. I walked into this alone, I walk this path with my child as my sidekick, and that’s the reality of it. The donor and I were never in a relationship that failed, I do not co-parent, I do not share custody, not do I receive child support. Everything that I am doing is on my own legally and financially. Do I have a village I can call on? Absolutely. But this is a one man band and I do not abuse my village because I want them to have the energy to support me when I truly need it.
With all of this being said, this journey has been one that I am glad to have embarked on. My daughter elevated our family’s lives. Not only did she bring joy, she brought abundance, love, and light into my life that was much needed. Everything is new, the desire to live happily is much stronger than ever before. She was the best thing that I never knew I needed. I don’t know what the world would look like without her being the beam of sunshine she is.
No matter the responses, I hold my boundaries, I protect my peace, and I enjoy my motherhood.