When you look like me, the world is a different experience. My childhood was cut short because people like me are deemed “fast” or “adult like”. I got in trouble constantly for way less than my white peers did. Then stepping into corporate America, there is a higher level of comfort performance. You are supposed to always smile and be “on” to keep your white co-workers comfortable. You have to code switch, don’t forget to style your hair appropriately, and perform…but not job performance but social performance.
This is my story about the workplace hostility and trauma that I endured as not only an SMBC, but as a Black Pregnant Woman in corporate America.
Prior to becoming pregnant, I had accepted what would have been a dream job. The commute was barely a commute, I only had to commute twice a week. I had 3 days a week to be remote, they had on-site childcare, fully paid parental leave, and I was making more money than at my last position. But instead of this being my dream job it quickly became a nightmare as soon as the words “I’m pregnant” came out of my mouth. What should have been a time of nurturing myself, I was in a battlefield. I was battling Hyperemesis Gravidarum, working full time, and pregnant. It was a lot.
At first, I planned to work up until I delivered (I will never do that again!). I was going to eat healthy (yeah right), workout, and dress my bump up in the cutest business casual work outfits. Also, I wasn’t going to say anything to anyone until I had a little bump. I was ready to float around the office with my glow and then go on my well deserved maternity leave. THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. Instead, I was attached to an IV pole, a zofran pump, on my couch, in my robe, with my laptop logged in to work. That was me every single day of my pregnancy until I gave birth. When I started this job I had a pretty significant pairing. I was working with high level partners and executives. Nothing, I hadn’t done before and it was something that I excelled at. I was excited about this role and I was doing whatever it took for me to make work known. I was a working girl and my career was a big part of my identity. One of the partners I worked for, we’ll call her “Beth*” wen’t from my biggest fan to my opp, in just two words. Beth, praised me, gave me high remarks, and enjoyed me until I said that I was pregnant. Then she did everything in her power to show me her disdain towards me.
I mentioned before in my pregnancy blog, that I was fully remote due to the complications of my pregnancy. I even worked when I was in the hospital so I could save my leave for pre-natal appointments. That pissed Beth all the way off. She couldn’t understand why my pregnancy was so hard…yet she did a lot of work for pregnancy organizations and a project on Black maternal health. But since I was not a client, who was going to meet her billable hours, I was just an inconvenience to her. Another co-worker on my team, was also pregnant, her due date was 8 weeks before mine, she was having a boy, and yes…she was. This co-worker was a great friend to me and I am so glad that I had her. Beth openly celebrated her but called my baby a parasite on a recorded teams meeting during our practice group’s weekly call. Beth started nitpicking me in ways that didn’t make sense. She felt that I was sick for too long ( I WAS) and she wanted it to hurry up and go away (me too sis!). So any time she was that I was away for a min, she would call. I would respond between vomiting or checking my lines. If I didn’t respond in her 10 second window, then she got my supervisor Jane* involved.
Let me tell you all about Jane. Jane is neurospicy and has never been pregnant or had children. While she is well meaning, she misses social cues and does not understand why things she said were offensive. Jane was no better than Susan. However, Jane was my supervisor and should have supported me. She should have been the one to say “Susan, Nancy being remote is fully approved by me”, when Susan flat out lied and said that I was not coming to work like I should be. This is why I documented everything and came with receipts. She should have said “Susan, if Nancy does not respond in 5 mins, call her to make sure she is okay, if she doesn’t answer, then call me”, when Susan would send me a message and then within 30 seconds call Jane and say I’m not responsive. My performance was not bad by any means, I got more assignments and I was busting my ass to make way for my baby and I. But instead, Jane started mimic Susan. She began complaining about me needing 5 mins to vomit or use the bathroom. She started to complain about me needing time to not look at a screen. She violated and encouraged Susan to violate my boundary about not posting that I was sick in my away message or teams status or having to report daily if I was vomiting or not. Jane did what Susan was doing and began lying on me too, then when she got caught trying to throw me and Susan under the bus, she demoted me.
You heard that right, she demoted me because she felt that I didn’t handle my pregnancy well and I couldn’t handle having a demanding career with a new baby. Jane could have just flat out said “your team doesn’t want a pregnant woman/new mom on the team”. She made me train my “maternity leave replacement” who happened to be an older white woman, with no children. Even that woman stuck up for me and told Jane she was wrong. But nope, Jane waited until my final day of work before my maternity leave to tell me that I had a job but I was not the “look” the team was going for and I would be reassigned because I was wonderful and I had a place. Yeah, I got demoted, my desk moved, and placed on a team where I was not given any autonomy or real work. All because I was pregnant. I was obviously distraught because I was pregnant, having a difficult pregnancy, and now potentially losing my job. All because I was pregnant with a complicated pregnancy.
My last day of work was a Friday and was also the day labor began. I swear as soon as I closed my laptop and was on my way to my final appointment, boom. Labor began. I was finally on maternity leave and could rest, without worrying about deadlines or meetings. But I was extremely hurt. I was hurt that I was suffering, I was being lied on, I was not being shown any compassion. But I also realized that pregnancy made me sit with my authentic self. I am a very hard worker, I am goal-oriented, results driven, and quick on my feet. I am also independent, I like to do things on my own, and without influence. At work I like to socialize with my few people and earn my coins. I realized just how much of my authentic self had been hidden because at work, I have to be likable and tap-dance whenever demanded. Honestly, I had enough.
Now, I wasn’t going to go back after my leave. I wanted to be home with my 4 month old. I didn’t want to leave her. All I could remember was how cruel people were to me when I was pregnant. I was not going to be returning to work as the same woman, I was different. I got myself pregnant, carried a complicated pregnancy, birthed a 9lb baby girl, and did that shit 100% on my own. I was returning to work with leaky breasts, postpartum shedding, 70 lbs heavier, and with a healing body. I didn’t feel good in anything I wore but all I could think about was how I was treated during the most vulnerable point in my life. The unkind remarks, the sabotage, and the thought of seeing the woman who mentally harmed me while I was pregnant, and she was a mother herself. The calls where Jane told me that I wasn’t as valuable anymore, all the digs that she took at myself esteem, while I was carrying the daughter that I fought so hard to have. That is all that rang in my mind. I spent more of my first day back at work in the mother’s room crying, than I did working. I was missing my daughter and wondering why the absolute hell I was expected to be back at work and this soon. 4 months postpartum, I had bald spots galore, my supply was still regulating, my c-section scar was healed by my core was weak, and I was sleeping on my baby’s schedule. I also had carpal tunnel and foot pain postpartum that I was still sorting out. But I was expected to show up to work, 3x a week, like nothing happened to me when I was pregnant.
No matter how you become a mother, it changes you. When you carry life, you remember how you were treated. When you traumatize a pregnant woman, you traumatize the child she is carrying. The child she is carrying feels everything their mother feels. When she is sad, her baby is sad, when she is under attack the baby is also under attack.
After being a Black Pregnant Woman in corporate america, amongst white women who birth children every day. I learned 3 things
- You do not matter. – If you drop dead at your desk, they will clock you out and probably keep your check if you died at 11 am at the start of a new pay period. Even if you are the highest performer and the most talented on your team, pregnancy just gives them a reason to think less of you, your life, and your experience.
- You are going to be scrutinized even more than before. – I do not get to be mediocre or “just enough”. I have to work harder for the same visibility that someone else gets by just existing. If you are not having a happy “picture perfect pregnancy” because you need to be palatable, you will be picked apart and compared to another person of the same condition. You will then be told that “its not that bad. A Picc line is not a fashion statement.
- Your are an inconvenience. – You will not be congratulated but questioned. You will be questioned about you future family plans, the father of your child, and when you plan to do it again. Your pregnancy especially if it is complicated and you work, they will remind you that there are others younger, not-pregnant, or better than you in some way.
I regret nothing but I will never be pregnant and working in corporate America ever again.